Every single man in my community is painfully aware of what “Marital PTSD” means.
It’s that gutted feeling of loss, sadness and fear.
And just like in war some of us recover and move on and some of us don’t.
What’s the difference between these two guys?
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It’s our ability to see deeper into the GIFT being offered.
And it’s the determination to NOT ALLOW the circumstances to own us while we rise from the ashes like the Phoenix.
I call this Post Traumatic Growth or PTG.
Every single man we work with eventually reaches a vantage point and perspective where he sees everything differently.
And it’s with these new “glasses” that he can finally see the gift, the growth and the POSSIBILITIES of how he will move forward.
Watch this video first for a little more detail.
Everyone talks about PTSD. They talk about the stressors and the trauma and the disorders that come after that post traumatic stress disorder. It’s the negative, plummeting feeling of anxiety and depression and sadness that makes you incapable of doing anything for yourself after a trauma.
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Those are very real things. I’m not here to dismiss that.
What I’m here to tell you about is the other side of post traumatic stress disorder – what I call PTG. Post Traumatic Growth.
Every single man in my community who has been through our coaching program, are guys who experienced trauma of some sort.
Often this is through finding out that their marriage is falling apart, finding out their Wife is having an affair, finding out that things aren’t the way they seemed, or finding out that the life they thought they were going to lead is not turning out exactly the way they had planned.
Another part of stress is finding out that maybe you’re not as good as you thought you were.
Maybe you’re not as great a husband or as great a man as you thought you’ve been and now you’re getting criticized and blamed for a lot of stuff.
This is trauma.
This is very traumatic.
But believe me, I know, and every man we work with has the exact same crushing feeling of self doubt, and crushing loss of confidence and worthiness because we feel like we’ve screwed up.
When you’re in trauma, you feel like you’re a mistake. You feel like you’ve screwed up to the point that you ARE a screw up. You not only fucked up, but you are a fuckup. You didn’t just create a problem, you are a problem.
That’s the shame we feel.
But when guys get into post traumatic growth, when they get on the other side of finally being done with beating themselves up and taking the blame for everything, they see there’s a point of growth and they put on a new pair of glasses. A new pair of glasses, which helps them see things differently.
And it sounds a little bit like this…
Post Traumatic Growth is the sound of
“I did mess up. But I’m not a screw up.”
“I’ve made mistakes, but I’m not a mistake.”
“I haven’t been the man that I wanted to be. But I can be.”
“This opportunity, this trauma, this time in my life, this season of discontent, and this knot in my stomach is something that I can use to learn from.”
“I can grow from this and I WILL grow no matter what happens in my marriage.”
“I am going to figure out how to be a stronger, better, more confident, more focused, more clear and more deliberate man.”
“I’m going to learn to like myself like I used to.”
“I’m going to get back in my lane back where I belong.”
“And if that fixes my marriage great! And if it doesn’t, great! But I need to become detached from outcomes, and I need to focus on what really matters.”
That’s the switch you have to flip, from feeling like you’re a victim of post traumatic stress disorder to then feeling like you’re a creator or a man who’s got PTG – post traumatic growth.
Every man we work with feels this and it’s like a switch clicks viscerally in your mind.
It’s like a new pair of glasses that go on and all of a sudden, you see everything differently.
And it immediately gives you a feeling of liberation.
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This is what I want you to practice this week, when you see something that is negative or traumatic or making you feel like crap, I want you to look for the gift in it.
Because for every man who makes a monumental or exponential leap in his growth, in his feelings of worthiness and confidence, he sees changes in his parenting skills, he gets promotions and raises, his sex life improves, his marriage improves as well.
And so this is the reason you do it. This is the reason you learn to turn PSD into PTG.
I know you want those benefits. I want them for you too!
When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor E. Frankl – A Man’s Search for Meaning
Allow me to say this as plainly as possible. No more lofty quotes.
After the shell shock of hearing “I want space.” or “I’m not in love with you.” or “I think we need to divorce.” is over, you have only ONE effective choice to make.
That choice is to learn something and grow from it.
I know your first instinct is to scream, argue, analyze, investigate and FIX things so you can get back to your regularly scheduled program.
Here’s a message from the Emergency Broadcast System:
It’s too late. You’re already into a new program. The old program has been cancelled.
The next questions are always WHAT should I do? And HOW can I see this in any other way than total devastation??
You could write a book to answer those questions. Actually I did.
Let me give you the CliffNotes version
- You should step back and stop what you’re doing right now. Just stop.
- Release all pressure including angry outbursts, accusations, arguing and those long, deep, heavy conversations.
- Find at least ONE initiated man who has already been in this war and emerged victoriously and talk with him regularly.
- Take a deeeep breath and begin a spiritual journey of knowing ALL good things in your life will come from leaning into discomfort and looking for the gift and opportunity.
- Decide you WILL learn from this and figure out how to change yourself in the face of unchangeable circumstances.
- BELIEVE deep in your heart that you’re okay at this moment and you will be okay…no matter what happens.
That last one is especially important and especially difficult for many men.
They have no basis for this belief and, therefore, no ability to even imagine being “okay” in any other scenario than the one they were expecting.
In coaching we are able to DIVE MUCH DEEPER into those expectations and those insecure feelings of abandonment, rejection and emotional evisceration. As I mention in the video, a man can reach a vantage point in this process that LIBERATES him from those feelings.
Sadness? Yes. Guilt? Yep. Regret? Almost certainly.
But shame, suffering and illusions of devastation are a CHOICE.
And therein lies the big secret.
Change your thoughts and you will change your reality.
Dan Dore and I would love you to join us at that vantage point. The view here is awesome!
If you don’t want to do this all by yourself, here are some great options for you.
You can choose to join me and Dan Dore in the GG2GM Live Men’s Roundtable. We meet twice a month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful secret Facebook group of initiated men. It’s a $69 investment. Try it for one month, there’s no obligation to continue and there are over 18 months worth of recordings for you to listen to.
You can confront your fear of asking for help and ask for a free consultation call to dive long and deep into what you want and get some immediate ideas on how to create that.
So…let me ask you two questions.
What are you THINKING right now?
What OTHER thoughts are actually more true and more empowering for you?
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
