Why is My Wife Not Interested in Me Sexually?

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I’ve made my annual trek to the top of an 8 foot ladder this week to spend time with the hummingbirds of summer. I do this each year to remind myself the importance of staying OUT of the “Hummingbird Zone”.

What’s that?

It’s the jittery, unpeaceful and insecure feeling that tells you, “I’m NOT okay…DO SOMETHING…ANYTHING now!”

I use the hummingbird as a metaphor for that competitive, nervous, impatient energy of feeling like you must fix something right now.

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

This is the energy of FEAR.

It’s the fear that circumstances happening outside of you are threatening your well-being and you’re losing all control.

The fear of “loss of control” over your circumstances is especially scary because you have NO IDEA how to control things that are out of your control.

The hummingbird is always WORKING at controlling his outside circumstances and, therefore, never gets a break. He always seems frantic, panicky and unhappy.

This is what the Mountain Lion knows that the Hummingbird doesn’t.

When you constantly work to control things you can’t you will never be able to focus on controlling the things you can.

This is why the Mountain Lion is the perfect metaphor for that calm, wise, patient and emotionally SECURE energy we all want.

He KNOWS he’s okay and he knows everything will be okay.

And he knows that constantly working to change outside circumstances is a colossal waste of time and totally ineffective.

He knows his most efficient and effective way of BEING is to stay on his rock and be an observer…not a reactor like his hummingbird friend.

I explain more in this video with real live hummingbirds.


I love this quote by Rumi (Persian poet from 1207). He made use of everyday life circumstances to describe the spiritual world. It figures I’d be attracted to him.

Even 800 years ago wise men were aware that winning battles inside ourselves is monumentally more important than winning battles outside ourselves.

YouTube video

As I mention in the video, we talk a lot about how Goodguys2Greatmen coaching will bring your confidence and mojo back.

The hidden truth behind that claim is this.

We are really helping you rid yourself of INSECURITY.

At the root of every relationship problem is insecurity.

At the root of self-doubt and defensive reactions is insecurity.

And at the root of your perceived unhappiness is insecurity.

You can work to do this yourself by acknowledging the “hummingbird stories” you’ve been telling yourself.

Other articles you may find helpful:

How To Confront Her Emotional Affair

Start writing down all the fears you have swirling in your head. Give them LIFE. Make them sound FUNNY. Try to EXAGGERATE them until you begin to see the cracks in the story.

The truth is you really have nothing to be afraid of. You really don’t.

One client said:

“I just started imagining my wife leaving me for some low-life who just got out of prison and they wound up living in a van down by the river eating government cheese.

And then I imagined meeting an amazing, beautiful, smart, affectionate woman and we had an incredible life together. In this story I’ve become calm, confident and relaxed in everything I do. She loves it and, more importantly, I love it!”

The funny thing is that story actually came true…except for the van down by the river part.

If you don’t want to do this all by yourself, here are some great options for you.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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