Hey brother,
If you have never had a moment in your marriage where you felt lectured, nagged, admonished or controlled, then don’t read on. This email is not for you.
Okay…so I see you’re still here.
It’s round five in a day where she’s kindly informing you of all the things you’re doing wrong and all the ways you’ve disappointed her.
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The topics range from how you’re fathering the kids, how you load/don’t load the dishwasher, how you drive or park the car, how you act in public, or how you just don’t listen.
This could also be accompanied by an ongoing string of comments and passive-aggressive criticisms about you, your nature or your mental health.
And you’ve responded to all these things in ways that seem to make matters worse.
You’ve tried to defend yourself…or you’ve pointed out why she’s logically incorrect…or you’ve counter-attacked her with your own list of grievances…or you’ve just shut down and placed your tail firmly between your legs.
It feels intensely personal and your emotions are switching between anger, apathy and sadness.
Why does she DO this all the time!
Exactly. Let’s talk about WHY ANYBODY does this.
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If you can understand the WHY, you will instantly feel less threatened, more confident and more clear about how to respond effectively.
Here’s my video coaching for you on this.
The First Question You Must Ask Yourself
This is important. Ask yourself this.
Is she right?
I mean, does she actually have a fair point with her comments or complaints?
Before I give you deeper insight into WHY people tend to criticize, complain and control others, it’s critical that we take full OWNERSHIP for how we may have created the situation.
So, is she right? Are you actually being an asshole? Are you honestly driving too damn fast or following way too close? Have you truthfully been checked out and disconnected from her and the family? Have you been unusually unhappy, over-reactive, agitated, withdrawn or angry.
And this one’s for me…does your mind and attention tend wander off whenever your ears detect the frequency of her voice? Could a reasonable person smell an air of disinterest or dismissiveness from you when she is speaking to you?
Did you answer “Yes” to any of those things? Then you HAVE TO FIX THAT STUFF NOW. She’s not “making you” do it. You’re making you do it. So, own it, fix it and watch miracles happen.
Why Most People Judge, Criticize and Complain About Other People
This is important because it will shift your perspective and your THINKING about what’s happening.
This is how you will gain a calm, confident approach to responding more effectively.
The deeper reason your wife may be judging, criticizing and complaining is because she feels unsafe and insecure.
This is true for ALL of us.
Insecurity in our own daily sense of worthiness, value, well-being, significance and safety will make us behave like assholes.
This is why most two-year-old kids are famous for frequently acting like assholes.
It’s the exact same reason why adults do it.
If you can understand this in your marriage, you will be able to:
- Acknowledge and fix your own insecure asshole behavior.
- Respond to her with a ton more confidence, emotional strength, self-respect and compassion.
Important! Don’t think for a minute that you can “fix” her.
I’m teaching you how to HANDLE the situation and how to HANDLE your thinking and feelings. I’m teaching you to realize that her “attacks” are not personal.
When insecure people criticize or complain about others, they are not doing it TO those people…they are doing for themselves.
They are trying to resolve their own feelings of shame, emotional tension and upset by projecting them onto others. You must come to understand this if you are to ever overcome your unhelpful thoughts and reactions to her.
I can’t teach you how to “make her change”.
The only way she may choose to begin making changes is when YOU becoming reliably consistent in how you handle yourself.
Suggestions for handling yourself in the moment:
- Take a few really deep breaths and remember you’re not in danger and you’re not being attacked. Be calm.
- Tell her “Thanks!” for her input and mean it
- If she has a fair point, simply say, “Yeah, you’re probably right, I can do better.“
- If she is highly emotional, say, “I can feel how upset you are about this. What do you need right now?“
- If she is highly agitated and mean/ugly/disrespectful, say, “You’re being unusually mean/ugly/disrespectful right now. I’m not going to talk about it with you in this way.“…and mean it.
- If she insists on having marathon complaining/venting sessions, set a time limit. Nobody should be expected to sit and listen to a string of criticisms or complaints for too long. My limit would be 15 minutes.
- Insist on kind, respectful, TWO-WAY conversations…and mean it.
- Insist on developing the skill of seeing what is RIGHT about your relationship instead of a toxic focus on what is WRONG. (all healthy, secure couples know how to do this one)
This is just a start for you brother.
It takes an UNCOMMONLY SECURE AND CONFIDENT MAN to handle himself with ease in uncomfortable situations.
This is what I want for you.
This is what we do every single day for men in our community.
The question now is, “What do YOU want?“
Consider picking just ONE of these options below. I want you to experience the conversations of a lifetime.
Here are some ways to start:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
