My Wife Doesn’t Love Me – How Can I Fix This?

Tim asked Jess for the fourth time in the last four days.

“What’s the matter?”

“Why won’t you talk to me about it?”

“Why are you being so mean?”

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

“Why aren’t you attracted to me?”

“You just don’t love me anymore, do you?”

All she could say was, “Yes, I love you, Tim… I just don’t feel ‘in love’ with you anymore.”

Tim was stunned and speechless.

That’s when I got an email from him.

He asked me, “Do you think my marriage is doomed? What can I do to fix this?”

The Tim and Jessica Story

I’ll tell you my answer in a minute, but first a little about Tim and Jess.

Both are 35 years old, smart, hard-working and fun loving.

They’ve been married for 13 years, two boys 8 and 10 and a black lab named “Blondie”.

They both love their boys beyond measure.

Both work. Tim is a technical director for an IT consulting company. Jess runs an online business.

They own a home on a nice cul-de-sac with a toy-strewn front yard and neighbors they like to drink with on weekends.

No major money problems. No major fights. Very little sex.

Situation…normal, everyday America.

Except for today.

Tim is freaking out.

Why Tim is Freaking Out

Tim is freaking out because he never saw this coming. He assumed Jess would be in love with him forever.

In fact, for the last 13 years, most of Tim’s confidence, identity and sense of well-being came from the knowledge that Jess loved him and would never leave him.

Now he feels shell shocked. Tricked and betrayed.

His sense of certainty has been squashed and triggers of inadequacy and abandonment have sent him into a tailspin.

He suddenly sees everything he’s ever done wrong. All of his missteps and imperfections are playing like a bad movie in his mind waking him up every morning at 4:00am.

He isn’t sleeping or eating well and he’s cried alone on more than few occasions.

More than anything in the world, he wants to fix this. He must do something – anything to right the ship that is his sinking marriage…his whole life.

My Answer to Tim

When Tim called me he just started talking.

“I can’t believe this. How could she do this? I know our marriage isn’t perfect and I’m certainly not perfect. But everybody has problems and they don’t just fall out of love. I feel her slipping away and I’m not sure I can get her back. I’m falling apart. What should I be doing right now?!”

The first time I heard these words was from my own mouth. And as a men’s coach now there’s no telling how many times I’ve heard this story from other men – nearly word for word.

Here’s my response to Tim.

“I know it feels like your world is crashing down around you and you will do anything to stop it. The best thing you can do at this moment is nothing at all. There’s nothing you can do or say right now that will matter. There are no questions you can ask that will give you the answers you need right now.”

“The thing you have to know is she probably doesn’t have any clear answers right now. She is likely reacting to unshakable feelings of disconnection, loneliness, anxiety and fear. Her words are the only way she has to describe those feelings and those words will always come out messy. They will feel intentionally hurtful – but they’re not. You didn’t put all those feelings inside her. They are not all your fault and you can’t make her feel any different.”

“All you can do at this moment is take a deep breath and recognize you are living in a cliché. This happens to men every day. I don’t mean to minimize your pain or your concerns. I want you to understand that this is an extremely common situation over which you have no control and you never did.”

“But you can choose how you respond to the situation. Don’t panic. Don’t think you can fix it. And don’t interrogate her with questions. Patience is key – not pressure.”

“You’ll need to lower your heart rate, relax and find a place of cool, calm confidence. You are going to be fine. No matter what happens, you will be just fine. It’s from this place where you stand the best chance of reconnecting with her in a way she can handle.”

“But your mind can’t stop spinning with all the ‘what if’s, can it? You’re awake at 4:00am imagining every little thing you’ve ever done to deserve this. You wonder what she’s thinking, planning and doing when she’s not with you.”

“You’re about to enter what I call ‘Limbo Land’ – where you will have no idea how this will end up. You will crave certainty. There are only two ways to create certainty right now. You can either let her go and start a new life or you can stay and start a new life.”

“Either way you go there is only one way to move forward. You will need to detach from her orbit. You will need to start working on a new source of security, happiness and well-being. And that is within yourself. Always has been – always will be.”

“If she is to ever find her way back into a loving relationship with you, it will be after you become a stronger, more secure and more confident version of yourself. When you can want her with all your heart but not need her to be happy…you will feel liberated from these feelings of desperation and uncertainty. And you will know you’ll be okay.”

This is the beginning of a long but extremely rewarding process for Tim.

I tell men they will eventually feel gratitude for this trauma in their life.


Because if used correctly, it’s the best rocket fuel to propel them to a new place of inner strength, self-reliance, self-respect, and self-confidence.

Sometimes it takes the deepest hurt to help us grow the most.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo: Richard Gaston/Flickr

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here