Hey brother,
I want to warn you about something unexpected that might happen when you start getting your mojo back.
When a guy gets about 8 weeks into my program, he is typically feeling very clear and confident about many things. He is gaining a new perspective about who he is, what he wants and what he deserves.
He feels more awake, clear headed and decisive.
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He isn’t over-reacting anymore and doesn’t allow himself to get into silly arguments. He’s creating a more comfortable, relaxed energy in his relationship.
In other words, he’s becoming a very attractive man again.
And this is when she starts getting closer, more attentive and appreciative. She wants more of his time and intimate attention.
He is finally getting what he always wished for. And here’s the strange part. He’s not so sure he wants her anymore.
Now HE is the one playing hard to get. He is slowly pushing HER away.
What’s going on here?
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Does he really not want her anymore? Is he really no longer attracted to her?
Or is it something else?
I made the video below to give you a heads-up about this.
The Importance Of Self Reliance In Getting Your Confidence Back
What’s happening in the example I talked about in the video is called “self-reliance”.
It’s the most important state of being a man can achieve. It’s a place of deep inner confidence and well-being.
It’s not a place where we say, “I don’t f*cking need anyone!”
It’s the only place where we can finally properly love someone and not enslave them with our insecurities and dependence.
Your self-reliance is the foundation for a truly healthy relationship
Have you ever read something that felt powerfully true and powerfully disturbing at the same time?
Here’s a quote from a book I love on this topic…Beyond Success and Failure – Ways to Self-Reliance and Maturity:
“Dependency always degrades. It degrades by mutual enslavement of both the dependent and the one on whom he leans. Both are equally guilty of dependence. The individual who is physically and psychologically self-reliant will not allow anyone to lean on him, as it would result in his enslavement if he permitted it. It becomes evident, then, that the one who leans and the one who allows himself to be leaned on are equally lacking in self-sufficiency. They are in a kind of mutual admiration society, which amounts to a conspiracy to exploit each other. Both are in a condition of second-class citizenship, although one may imagine himself mistakenly as the strong one in the relationship. The fact remains that they degrade, inhibit and enslave each other and that, in such cases, two is less than one”.
They don’t pull any punches, do they?
Have you ever felt like you’re seen as a pain-in-the-ass in your marriage?
That feeling is usually accompanied by thinking you’re being under-valued. You feel subordinate to your partner and you feel your needs are less important than her needs.
There is a chilly awareness of feeling deprived, empty, lonely, weak, defenseless, inadequate, minimized or frightened.
These feelings make you sad and desperate. You may continuously pursue your partner to fix these feelings or you may withdraw yourself from the relationship and seek solace elsewhere.
This is second-class citizenship.
And the only way it can happen is if you allow it to happen.
A truly self-reliant person is not looking to be completed or filled up by another. He knows that the cold feelings of rejection and emotional betrayal are not caused by another person. Those feelings are the result of lacking reliance in himself for truly knowing his own value and true source of well-being.
This kinds of stirs you up, doesn’t it?
You may be thinking, “Yeah, you’re talking about unhealthy co-dependence. But what about the interdependent nature of a relationship?”
You may believe that a “healthy relationship” is one where you can count on each other to meet your unmet childhood needs. That a “good spouse” will learn how to avoid your emotional landmines and do whatever it takes to not piss you off.
You may believe it’s the right of each person to depend on the other to fulfill their need for self-esteem, significance, personal value and sense of well-being.
That doesn’t sound like interdependence to me. It sounds like a prison.
I believe that interdependence applies to the responsibility for BOTH partners to “mind the store”.
Both must be conscious, committed and proactive in protecting the agreed values of the relationship – not the egos within the relationship.
Your ego is your job.
Interdependence means choosing each day to take action in protecting the environment in which both people can learn, grow and thrive as individuals and partners.
If you have agreed that your relationship values include an environment of acceptance, affection, warmth, support, honesty, appreciation, adoration, emotional safety and vulnerability…then those are where your interdependence lies.
Both partners must commit to preserving those values through intentional and unconditional action. Without an interdependent joint-effort, the environment will crumble and turn toxic. And you already know what happens when that happens.
The importance of self-reliance cannot be understated.
It is only the truly self-reliant person who can prioritize his accountability and commitment to his relationship values over his expectations from his relationship.
It is only the truly self-reliant person who has the clarity and courage to take the loving actions necessary to possibly repair a crumbling environment.
And it is only the truly self-reliant person who can confidently make the correct decisions if he determines his partner is unwilling or incapable of creating that environment with him.
Want to get started learning this stuff with us straight away? Here are your options:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
