Unhappy Man Or Unhappy Marriage You Choose

Are you an unhappy man in an unhappy marriage? Most advice to create a happier life and relationship focuses on trying to control the circumstances and manipulate your wife to get her to change her behaviour.

In this article I explain why your perspective and focus should be on who you are as a man, what you want and where you’re headed because that’s all the control you have over anything. The results from being that man are the results that are supposed to happen.

As an unhappily married man you DO have options

Men often ask me about my “success rate” when it comes to helping them fix their relationships.

And that’s a red flag right from the start.

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Why?

Because by “success” they normally mean:

“Will my wife love me again?”

“Will I stay married forever and never leave my kids?”

“Will my sex life ever become what I hoped for?”

“Will she ever become sane again?”

“Will she ever trust me and feel desire for me again?”

My answer is, “I have no clue and I don’t care…and you can’t either.”

The problem with the idea of a “success rate” is that it implies someone has control over the outcome of your marriage or the feelings and decisions of another person.

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Because you have zero control over those things, the “success rate” question is meaningless.

My work with a man is focused on improving his self-respect, happiness, confidence, independence and his sense of purpose.

He has total control over those things – he just doesn’t realize it.

A guy who chooses to improve those things stands a much better chance at improving his relationship.

And even if he doesn’t, he can still wind up in an amazing place his former self could only imagine.

The 3 Outcomes You Can Expect

There are 3 specific outcomes I see if you choose to improve your self-respect, happiness, confidence, independence and your sense of purpose. My data applies only if you are serious about personal growth. You must be serious, focused and committed to becoming the best man possible without any attachment to a specific outcome.

In my experience, you can expect about a 33% chance of falling into one of these categories.

Your relationship shifts into neutral. It doesn’t get much worse or much better. It becomes much less shitty, has much less conflict and much less drama. It’s functional, but not satisfying and nowhere near what you consider to be happy. You are an unhappy married man. And you choose to stay that way.

Your relationship ends. You consciously and deliberately decide to end it with honor and grace. You move forward with clarity and confidence and create a life of purpose, independence, freedom, love and pleasure. You feel slightly sad and guilty about the past, but those feelings wane over time and you don’t let them stop you from moving forward. You are a happy divorced man.

Your relationship improves significantly. You consciously, deliberately and mutually decide to carve out a new relationship with honor and grace. You move forward with clarity and confidence and create a life of purpose, independence, freedom, love and pleasure. You feel slightly sad and guilty, but those feelings wane over time and you don’t let them stop you from moving forward. You are a happy married man.

As you can see, all outcomes are better than the status quo.

And you have a 66% chance of winding up happy.

So, if I had to give an answer to the question, “What’s your success rate?”

I’d say you’ve got about a 66% chance of being a happy man if you’re willing to make some major changes in the way you think and behave – no matter what happens.

5 Questions to See if You Will Die an Unhappy Married Man

Do you believe all of the problems in your life and marriage are mostly someone else’s fault?
Do you believe your happiness is mostly the result of what other people are doing, thinking, or saying?
Does the idea of introspection, reading, learning and talking about being a clear-headed, decisive, confident man make you want to puke?
On scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the worst thing imaginable, do you rate your fear of divorce an 8 or higher?
On scale of 1 to 10, with ten being extremely likely, do you rate the probability of you living 30 more years like this a “5” or higher?

Results: If you answered “Yes” to one or more of those questions, you will likely die an unhappy married man.

It’s that simple.

My data don’t lie.

But There’s Hope!

There was a time when I answered “yes” to all five questions.

I had nobody in my life to tell me about my options. Nobody was there to explain the concept of “being a better man”.

I didn’t know anyone who was truly self-respecting, self-approving and self-validating. Therefore, I had no positive model for my masculine frame and I was surrounded by people in shitty or failed relationships.

I played the victim and I stewed for decades not knowing what I could do differently.

Even though on the outside I was professionally successful, confident and happy…my insides were twisted in knots.

It wasn’t until the beginning of my divorce and just after my 50th birthday that things turned around for me.

I met powerful, initiated, and wise men who were talking about things I never heard before. They talked passionately about:

Unapologetic masculinity
What women really need in a relationship
Confidence and clarity of values
Owning your sexuality
Openness, vulnerability and boldly speaking your truth
The value of other men and men’s work (wtf was that?)

This is when all the lights came on for me. Epiphany after epiphany.

Blinding flashes of the obvious. (BFO’s)

I thought it would help me fix my marriage but it was too late. My marriage was ending and there was nothing I could do…and I was okay with that.

Better than okay.

A sense of calmness settled in for me. True happiness. And I knew there was something coming that I never even imagined before and I couldn’t wait to find out.

It turns out that Dr. Henry Cloud was right when he said in his book, Necessary Endings,

“Getting to the next level always requires ending something, leaving it behind, and moving on. Growth itself demands that we move on. Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.”

Sometimes this means ending a behavior or a mindset. Sometimes it means ending an argument. And sometimes it means ending a relationship.

If you refuse to die an unhappy married man, then below are some options for you to change right away…

Go HERE to apply for a Free “No More Settling” coaching call to learn exactly how you can start changing things tomorrow.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and Dan lead this community with 9 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls three times per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.